On a scale of 1-10, how open are you to receiving a reflection from someone about your behavior? With 1 being not open and 10 being fully open.

Many people will say, “Yes, I am open” and they might even claim to be an 8, 9 or a 10.

However, when given the reflection they respond with, “No...you’re wrong and here’s why...” and they will try to explain or prove why the feedback/ reflection/observation is wrong.

It’s a case of classic defensiveness. Defensiveness is normal. And guess what, NORMAL is NOT OPEN for business.

It is not “normal” to be delighted when other people make observations about your behavior.

But we aren’t going for NORMAL... We’re going for OPTIMAL!

Yet, when we shut down, become defensive, close ourselves off, and reject what others reflect to us we are operate from a state of fear and control - and this is below the line.

You might be thinking, “But what if their reflection is not accurate?!”

It might not be accurate, a reflection is also a projection (“if you spot it you got it”), and yet by ignoring or negating the reflection you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to receive the gift they just handed you.

Yes, a reflection is a gift.

Humor me, what if instead of shutting down and defending you stayed open and curious?

What if you continued to explore the reflection and saw it as an opportunity to connect, learn, grow, and expand your understanding of yourself and the person sharing with you.

When you practice embracing feedback, and design supportive strategies for implementing what you’ve heard, you will have successfully created an environment for massive growth.

Sounds easier said than done?
Many of us avoid conversations where feedback is given. Like in the workplace; reviews are given quarterly or annually and the anxiety felt leading up to these conversations can be palpable for both the receiver and the giver. Receiving feedback doesn’t have to be this way. It can be lighthearted, it can be frequent, it can be fun!

There are organizations and relationships that thrive off feedback! Take Bridgewater Associates, run by the billionaire Ray Dalio, for example, who has a well-documented policy of “radical transparency” where employees routinely judge one another's performance.

Relationships thrive when we are continually asking each other how we can improve. Instead of waiting for there to be an issue, or for resentment to build, we can invite feedback and reflections into our lives.


To support you in thinking about how creating an environment around giving and receiving feedback can work for you ask yourself:
What value would I get from created a habit of receiving feedback regularly?

How could experimenting with feedback and applying what I learned improve my life and relationships?

Why would having a practice of reflecting on what works and what doesn’t work support me in achieving my goals?


Staying open to feedback can be challenging (we think we want it and then our feelings get hurt) so I’ve created a list of questions you can ask someone who has just offered you a reflection/feedback to assist you in staying open when your instinct might be to defend, reject, or shutdown.

• “That’s interesting, Can you please explain more? I would like to understand your point of view better.”

• “What has given you this impression?”

• “How long have you been thinking/feeling this way?”

• “What else is on your mind?”
• “What would you like me to get from your share?”

• “If I could take one valuable thing from our conversation what would you want that to be? And how would you like me to integrate this? What actions could I take to support making these adjustments for next time.”
• “Hmm... tell me more...”

• “My gut reaction is to reject this (or defend myself) could you give me a minute to clear my mind so I can be present with you... Ok, how can I turn this feedback into something valuable, useful, and practical?”

I really hope you find this helpful on your personal growth journey!